What Not to Say 101

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“Been there done that!” The words stung as they hung in the air between us. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard them, and as time would tell, it wouldn’t be the last. Tossed my way with a brush of the hand midair for emphasis, they made their mark.

My heart was tender those first years of motherhood, and I needed more from the one who’d said them. “Friendly fire” perhaps was all they were, but once out, all conversation ceased.  

Nonexistent was the click of a button providing the much needed resources that mom’s of today have access to. Some days the feelings of isolation were more than I could take. With little contact and knee deep in kiddos, the visitor who had spoken the hurtful words shredded my heart like a catch scratch.

I longed for someone who desired to connect as much as I. Her words doused any hope of support I desperately needed.

What was one to say when the visitor came by? If I couldn’t share honestly, I didn’t want to share at all. If the friendship would take away pieces of me, then I’d rather not have it. At the time, I didn’t know how to express that and so as awkward as it was, I continued to “try” my best to make the best of it, so to speak.

That particular line spoken when I was a young mama was spoken recently to another within earshot. It triggered something deep within and made me dig deeper. Soon I found myself wondering whose flames I’ve guilty of dousing intentionally or not?

I took a vow that very moment. I vowed to listen better to those around me and affirm the new being reborn within each. Whether its people’s experiences or ideas they bring forth to recreate and update the old, it’s all new…and it’s worth listening to and hearing what’s really being said.

My thoughts drifted to the coffee bar at a church recently attended. Many churches offer it these days. Most have always offered some sort of treats now and then…but today’s versions are not the coffee and cookies as of old. No, they are something quite different. Today, they represent intentionality of bringing pause into a crazy fast world in which we live. They offer comfort. They offer care for those choosing to enter in from a war zone where nary a crumb of kindness has been spoken since the last time they entered. They offer respite.

Gathering as community after church is creating an atmosphere of inclusion. It’s no mere potluck. This is a fresh face to today’s culture desiring to connect with the few minutes they have free in a space that might offer just a little reprieve from the outside forces pressing in.

That “Men’s Fraternity” which meets is not men’s Bible Study. It’s much more. It’s a group of comrades among men who desire direction in life. Their compass is all but gone as this world has become confusingly unrecognizable in a culture pushing back and pushing back hard. Where are the voices of balance? Where are the voices of reason? Where are the voices of stability in a world that is anything but? Perhaps other men have wisdom they might share and thus...they gather.

You’ve heard it said. “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

Perhaps. Perhaps not. If it’s the very first time one has smelled a rose, its newness excites. God stirs and as faith is not a spectator sport, we are called to participate. When the Spirit sends the flames…we do not want to douse those by merely saying, “Been there, done that.” We do not want to be on the defense by defending that which we’ve already been here doing. We do not want be territorial in areas where God is inviting others to create anew.

“For such a time as this,” rings truer than true. What a gift it would have been to hear those words as a young mom. “For such a time as this” you were created to put into the lives of your little ones. “For such a time as this” your ideas are ones of renewal which will help spur on the next generation within your home. And, “For such a time as this” you were given that idea to put a fresh face of renewal among those whom you serve.

Whether it is home or church or serving within communities may “For such a time as this” be our guide (Esther 4:14). 

Amen.

Kathleen Kjolhaug, OblSB

This article was first published in Theology in the Trenches, a column written by Oblate Kathleen Kjolhaug. Posted with permission. Read more articles on her blog, Theology in the Trenches.