Excitement, Commitment and Perseverance

Some of you may remember that in the months before I made my perpetual monastic profession in July 2012, I kept a blog of my experiences. I'm sure it came out at the time how excited I was, how certain of my commitment I felt, how I had persevered in seeking God to reach the point I'd reached and how I intended to keep persevering in that search.

Well, 18 months on, where am I? I'm still committed, I'm still persevering, but I'm not excited any more. It is an effort to keep going. The sense of lightness has left. I think this something many religious experience after perpetual profession and I guess it can also be in the same in a marriage. It's not that you don't want to be there, more that it's not always easy. What seemed attractive and simple at the time of making the commitment now seems like the hard road and the challenge that I said I wanted. But wanting a challenge in theory is not the same as experiencing it in practice. Also, the challenges are often different from how you envisaged. Mine are more mundane, less glamorous.

However, there is a positive side. Every day, I consciously have to decide to keep going and there is a satisfaction in keeping going now the going is tougher. I didn't make  a fair weather commitment. I stick at it. I like the fact that I do that. And underneath the dreariness, there burns that flame of hope that staying with things as they are, in all their unexcitingness, is a test which is ultimately going to yield rich rewards. I hope so!

Karen Rose, OSB